This month was a wreck for me. I went through a lot of issues physically, mentally & emotionally. Let me start off by saying, mental health matters. It matters as much as physical health, perhaps even more. I have no idea what tomorrow holds – and I don’t know if it’s my mustard seed sized faith talking or my laziness or my probable ADHD – but I cannot study yet I still believe that things will turn out okay. I also believe that YOLO. So I do the little things I can in this pandemic world that give me little bits of serotonin. At least someone does that for me.
I am very into self pity as well. It seems like no one cares about me even though I have a family who does the basic minimum for me, even though I am born into a rich middle class family, even though I go to one of the best schools in my state. The other day, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across a reel one of my mutual friends made. It featured screen recordings and screenshots of embarrassing pictures of a lot of my friends. I watched the full thirty seconds kind of hoping my face would pop up, though I wasn’t super close with her. And surprise, surprise, it didn’t.
For some reason, that pushed me over my lukewarm edge. I wasn’t totally sure if I was happy or sad. But that little video compilation made me question the 17 years I had spent in the world and all that jazz 🤡 I deleted my Instagram and Snapchat. My heart was actually hurting. This past year (I use this phrase a lot lmao) had obviously been hard for everyone. But now I couldn’t even talk to my friends about it. They weren’t the same and maybe I wasn’t either. You know those Pinterest videos you see comparing friends and best friends? I realised I just had a lot of friends. A lot.
My parents kept insisting I study 10+ hours a day. I cannot even sit 1 hour without daydreaming and that’s the tea, sister. My father trusted my younger sister more than me in a lot of things and that freaking hurt. My younger sister acted like a huge b-word to me. My mom was whiny and complaining (lol the apple don’t fall far from the tree). And I didn’t know what to do.
I prayed though. That was something, a big thing, that kept me from stopping my heart or hurting myself. I didn’t want to study to become something I had zero interest in. I wanted to help people. I wanted to be a mother so bad. You probably won’t hear a lot of almost 20 year olds say they want to be a mother and not further their career. But I was so done with what others thought about me.
Reading this through, you might think I’m a narcissistic spoilt whiny girl who has the biggest silver spoon stuck in her mouth. I probably am. I think I’m pretty and that isn’t necessarily stuck up of me. I do think of my problems a lot. I’m thankful and blessed by the good Lord but not always grateful. I don’t use the words love and hate loosely and so, right now, I do not hate or love anyone, not even my family. I appreciate them and that is all. I don’t get angry, but I cry when I speak about something I’m passionate about. And I know a lot of people who don’t stand up for the right thing and try living peacefully but I’m not them.
I am a Christian, feminist, LGBTQ+ supporter (yes, there are Christians like us), believes Black Lives Matter and all other discriminated community lives matter too. I pray for my kids and for my husband and for the people I will meet in the future. I want to have a life rich in love, hope and faith in the Lord.
Let’s be kindred spirits.